I feel a little strange broaching the subject of selfishness in a blog, because blogs, in essence, can be so self-serving. Bloggers vent their frustrations, share their secrets (be they intimate or food-related), and generally use their blog as a public diary, sharing things a bit too long to fit neatly as a Facebook status.
Now I won’t say I have never or will never use my own blog in this way, because I think there’s something fundamentally healthy for each of us in writing things out. I think when we explore certain topics in writing, we are able to reflect on our own thoughts and feelings a bit more objectively as we articulate them and reread them. That being said, I always have the intent to use my blog to share what I believe to be pieces of wisdom.
A post about selfishness, and here I am, taking about ME. I mean, after all, this is MY life. Shouldn’t I do with it what I please? That’s a fair question, and I think the answer is yes. But I don’t think that doing things for the self is the issue. I think the issue is not doing that which pleases us, but WHAT it is that pleases us. Are we doing something because of what we hope to gain out of it, or because it might benefit someone else? Can it be both?
I have what may be a radical belief as part of the foundation of my person. I believe that true maturity comes with the realization that the joy of others is essential to our own. “Joy” here can be substituted for “happiness”, “satisfaction”, or even “fulfillment”. I like “joy” because, to me, that word encompasses the others. If you are seeking joy, but are thinking of only how to obtain joy for yourself, how successful can you be?
I am a selfish person by nature. I am the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of when I go to bed. I’ve met people who have amazed me with their selflessness and generosity. People who truly give of themselves unconditionally, and expect nothing in return. After all, no man is an island. I think if God had intended us to be totally self-serving, He would not have surrounded us with so many people. People need people. We have a symbiotic relationship with the people around us. Be they family or neighbor, coworker or friend, husband or wife, they are all, at times, our teachers and our students. Maybe I’m getting to philosophical for you, or maybe just too cheesy. But I believe that in every relationship I have in my life, I end up teaching and learning, as well as giving and taking. I think that is how healthy relationships work.
Take a moment to reflect on the closest relationships in your life. What have they given you? What have you given to them? If you are like me, you might find that there is at least one relationship or area or your life in which you could afford to give more. Maybe it’s more love, more devotion, or even just more time.
I want to be effective in the lives of people around me. I want to be like The Giving Tree (a favorite book of mine), and give every ounce of my gifts, not because I hope to gain anything, but because I have it to give.
Pretty Orange
"The temptation to quit will be greatest just before you are about to succeed." -Chinese Proverb
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sorrow is Not Sad
For the past two years or so, I have struggled with anxiety and depression. The details of this struggle are many, so I will sum my experience up with a bottom line: I am a person who likes to be in control, and my sadness is not something that I can control.
Sorrow is a reality. Sorrow, like joy, anger, and all other feelings, will come, outstay its welcome, cause some effects, and be gone.
I often refer to the devotional My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, when I need a great, succinct “bottom line” from God. Today the title was “Receiving Yourself in the Fires of Sorrow”. Ultimately, the idea is that yes, God allows suffering and sorrow to occur. However, Point One: “it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them”, and Point Two, “If you receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.”
Point One. We like to blame God for bad things happening. So yes, God is all-powerful, and He has the ability to stop your pain. But I can tell you from the ridiculous amount of pain that I have been allowed to suffer, that I’m okay. Truly, God knows our limits, and He will sometimes bring us to the very edge of them, but there has never been a time where He tested me beyond what I was capable of handling, or perhaps more accurately, beyond what He was capable of helping me handle. God is not a bully. God does not sit upon a throne, and torture us for His pleasure. That is the very opposite of His character. What He does do is allow us the free will to make our own decisions, and thus, from the choices WE make, He does allow us to make our own mistakes. Mistakes can absolutely hurt, but is always there to comfort us when we are feeling out the consequences of our actions.
The devotional also says the “Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me.” So, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, yes. But also, sorrow makes you better. We become more acquainted with ourselves and with our God when we experience sorrow. We grow, and with that growth, we lock away knowledge, make better choices, and help others to do the same.
As a Christian, I have chosen a "life verse" from the Bible, something that I identify with very closely on a spiritual level, and more simply, Words of God by which to live my life. They are:
I am blessed with a the strength to recognize hardship, pain, and trials as blessings. If I had to grow up without a father so that I might know the love of my Heavenly Father more intimately, and so that I would be able to minister, to identify with, and to have true understanding and compassion for another girl in the same situation, so be it.
I am simply thankful to know and understand God’s love. I will forever regard it as precious and completely incomparable to anything another human could show me. I wish for everyone to have hearts that are open to Him.
Sorrow is a reality. Sorrow, like joy, anger, and all other feelings, will come, outstay its welcome, cause some effects, and be gone.
I often refer to the devotional My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, when I need a great, succinct “bottom line” from God. Today the title was “Receiving Yourself in the Fires of Sorrow”. Ultimately, the idea is that yes, God allows suffering and sorrow to occur. However, Point One: “it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them”, and Point Two, “If you receive yourself in the fires of sorrow, God will make you nourishment for other people.”
Point One. We like to blame God for bad things happening. So yes, God is all-powerful, and He has the ability to stop your pain. But I can tell you from the ridiculous amount of pain that I have been allowed to suffer, that I’m okay. Truly, God knows our limits, and He will sometimes bring us to the very edge of them, but there has never been a time where He tested me beyond what I was capable of handling, or perhaps more accurately, beyond what He was capable of helping me handle. God is not a bully. God does not sit upon a throne, and torture us for His pleasure. That is the very opposite of His character. What He does do is allow us the free will to make our own decisions, and thus, from the choices WE make, He does allow us to make our own mistakes. Mistakes can absolutely hurt, but is always there to comfort us when we are feeling out the consequences of our actions.
The devotional also says the “Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me.” So, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, yes. But also, sorrow makes you better. We become more acquainted with ourselves and with our God when we experience sorrow. We grow, and with that growth, we lock away knowledge, make better choices, and help others to do the same.
As a Christian, I have chosen a "life verse" from the Bible, something that I identify with very closely on a spiritual level, and more simply, Words of God by which to live my life. They are:
I am blessed with a the strength to recognize hardship, pain, and trials as blessings. If I had to grow up without a father so that I might know the love of my Heavenly Father more intimately, and so that I would be able to minister, to identify with, and to have true understanding and compassion for another girl in the same situation, so be it.
I am simply thankful to know and understand God’s love. I will forever regard it as precious and completely incomparable to anything another human could show me. I wish for everyone to have hearts that are open to Him.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
One Non-Blonde
Twenty-three years and my life is still trying' to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination.
(Brace yourself, this'll be a long one.)
There is simply no excuse for not writing for so long. I am easily distracted. I would think "Oh gosh, I really want to write that down... if only I had my computer with me..." And then when I did it was, "Oh, I should Facebook while I Facebook. Wait, was there something else I was supposed to do?" So here we are. Six months later.
In that time, I have moved out on my own, sold roughly 45 cars, dented 2 hearts, been recruited as a lead singer for a band that sings covers from the 70's, 80's, 90's, and now, been asked to be a professional magician's lovely assistant, and sustained a vegan diet. Who am I!? I shall elaborate.
Bullet point #1. Yes, I am now living on my own. It's very liberating not have to responsible for anyone but me, myself, and my fuzzies. (Bosco, dog, Oliver, cat, and Ichabod, also cat.) I am no longer a parent to my siblings and I am working on learning to be a sister. That's nice.
Bullet 2. I sell cars. My managers have a lot of faith in my potential. Every month, I am selling more cars than the previous month. This is a great sign considering that we are headed into slow car sales months. I do not care. I shall press on until I level off to 20 cars a month. and then I'll aim for 50. When I first hit the sales floor, I looked at the job as a matter of luck. I might se 80 customers that month who were "just looking". After all, I'm in a business of 90% rejection. However, my mentor and person I aspire to be like pointed something out to me: I work with two kinds of people. People that rely on luck, and those that rely on skill. But those that rely on skill sell a LOT more cars. So now I know longer pray for luck or for sales, but for consistency in honing my skills. And boy, has God been answering in the affirmative. Realistically, it's about both. But if I can use my skills to manage my time effectively and sell 10 cars a month, I can live comfortably. And the rest of the cars that I sell can be extra blessings.
Bullet Three. I have dented two hearts. I need to be more careful. I am ruled by the passion of my heart, and sometimes passion does not allow for logic or planning or what if's. It's hasty. It may be okay to go from 0-60 on the freeway, but if I start speeding and suddenly find myself on a windy canyon road, somebody is bound to get hurt. There's a metaphor with someone in mind. Point is, I shall plan my road trips a little more carefully, but I can still take spontaneous detours.
Bullet Numero Quatro. I have always loved to sing, and I was selling a car to this guy who just so happens to be a drummer in a band and needed a lead singer for an event and when he heard me sing... bam. Hence the beginning lyrics. One of the things I'm singing tonight. We've done 4 rehearsals together and they guys are brilliant. We're on at 8:00 tonight. WHAT!? Yep.
5. I get to perform with a LEGIT magician. Details soon.
And lastly, (point six for those of you keeping track) I'm officially a Vegan. Vegany Veganson. I won't eat a dead horse (I also won't beat one... baddum chh), but this is a lifestyle I intend to keep on living. I love the way I feel, and I truly believe the human body responds better to Veganism. I like this chart:
http://michaelbluejay.com/veg/natural.html
Okay. Updates complete. Joy. I'll try not to wait so long to write this time.
(Brace yourself, this'll be a long one.)
There is simply no excuse for not writing for so long. I am easily distracted. I would think "Oh gosh, I really want to write that down... if only I had my computer with me..." And then when I did it was, "Oh, I should Facebook while I Facebook. Wait, was there something else I was supposed to do?" So here we are. Six months later.
In that time, I have moved out on my own, sold roughly 45 cars, dented 2 hearts, been recruited as a lead singer for a band that sings covers from the 70's, 80's, 90's, and now, been asked to be a professional magician's lovely assistant, and sustained a vegan diet. Who am I!? I shall elaborate.
Bullet point #1. Yes, I am now living on my own. It's very liberating not have to responsible for anyone but me, myself, and my fuzzies. (Bosco, dog, Oliver, cat, and Ichabod, also cat.) I am no longer a parent to my siblings and I am working on learning to be a sister. That's nice.
Bullet 2. I sell cars. My managers have a lot of faith in my potential. Every month, I am selling more cars than the previous month. This is a great sign considering that we are headed into slow car sales months. I do not care. I shall press on until I level off to 20 cars a month. and then I'll aim for 50. When I first hit the sales floor, I looked at the job as a matter of luck. I might se 80 customers that month who were "just looking". After all, I'm in a business of 90% rejection. However, my mentor and person I aspire to be like pointed something out to me: I work with two kinds of people. People that rely on luck, and those that rely on skill. But those that rely on skill sell a LOT more cars. So now I know longer pray for luck or for sales, but for consistency in honing my skills. And boy, has God been answering in the affirmative. Realistically, it's about both. But if I can use my skills to manage my time effectively and sell 10 cars a month, I can live comfortably. And the rest of the cars that I sell can be extra blessings.
Bullet Three. I have dented two hearts. I need to be more careful. I am ruled by the passion of my heart, and sometimes passion does not allow for logic or planning or what if's. It's hasty. It may be okay to go from 0-60 on the freeway, but if I start speeding and suddenly find myself on a windy canyon road, somebody is bound to get hurt. There's a metaphor with someone in mind. Point is, I shall plan my road trips a little more carefully, but I can still take spontaneous detours.
Bullet Numero Quatro. I have always loved to sing, and I was selling a car to this guy who just so happens to be a drummer in a band and needed a lead singer for an event and when he heard me sing... bam. Hence the beginning lyrics. One of the things I'm singing tonight. We've done 4 rehearsals together and they guys are brilliant. We're on at 8:00 tonight. WHAT!? Yep.
5. I get to perform with a LEGIT magician. Details soon.
And lastly, (point six for those of you keeping track) I'm officially a Vegan. Vegany Veganson. I won't eat a dead horse (I also won't beat one... baddum chh), but this is a lifestyle I intend to keep on living. I love the way I feel, and I truly believe the human body responds better to Veganism. I like this chart:
http://michaelbluejay.com/veg/natural.html
Okay. Updates complete. Joy. I'll try not to wait so long to write this time.
Monday, March 21, 2011
From Sugar to Sweeter
I love sugar.
And sugar loves me.
For the longest time, that has been everything that mattered. At the end of the day, when the world lets you down and people break your heart, sugar will always be there for you. Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, New York Super Fudge Chunk, and Cherry Garcia are all suitors for my heart. Oreos. Milkshakes. Cadbury Eggs. My secret lovers. Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. Dark chocolate-covered gummy bears. Peach O's. Junior Mints. So much more than one-night stands. Chocolate chip cookies, fudge brownies, lemon meringue and key lime pie. Some of my very dearest friends. Mmm. Utter satification.
But the fairytale that exists in my head where someday sugary delights become healthier for me than the finest head of lettuce will never come to, for lack of a better word, fruition.
Because sugar is... a... lie. A lovely, decorated lie. It does not provide comfort. It does not offer consolation. It only provides the illusion thereof. I have come to realize that my relationship with sugar has not been love, but lust. Dark, devious lust. And I am not the only one who has fallen into its trap. We are all drawn to it.
Meredith Small, writer of the article Why We Love the Sweet Life (http://www.livescience.com/), says that it isn't all our fault. "It's the fault of our primal heritage. Small tells us, "the human tongue can detect four basic flavors — salt, sour, bitter and sweet, but humans are naturally drawn to sweet because we are primates, animals that evolved eating fruit in the trees... They have been selected to prefer sweet, ripe fruit over unripe, bitter fruit because it has higher sugar content and supplies more ready energy. Ripe fruit also has more water, which can be hard to find high in the canopy."
Interesting. So evolution has provided me with an excuse. I cannot be blamed for my initial infatuation with sugar. Evidently that was a primal urge. So they say. But, I would argue, I can definitely be blamed for allowing it to become such a powerful force in the choices I make about my food. Late night freezer and pantry raids, ice cream for breakfast, cookies for lunch. Those were choices I made. And it's time for me to take control of my body, my temple. This body is on loan, and I want to take care of it.
You should know, every year, I observe Lent. I am not a Catholic, but I do uphold this tradition. For those of you who may not know, Lent begins every year on Ash Wednesday, and extends for the following forty days, ending Easter Sunday. There are many details and differing opinions about the subject, but the general idea is to sacrifice something that you will definitely miss during this time. Last year I chose TV. I love Jesus, and at this time of year, before Easter, we remember His resurrection, and we think of His sacrifice. I find that observing Lent is a great reminder to me, many times a day, of what it feels like to sacrifice. And that is a reminder we all need.
This year, I decided to give up sugar. Not natural sugars, like those found in fruits, but definitely everything I would have previously told you that I "loved" (see above). This is my journey, and though it will not be easy, I am excited about it. I am embracing the sweetness that is found in nature. Especially coconut, which is a magical thing, as it turns out.
Since I had such a toxic relationship with sugar before, this is about becoming healthy, in every which way. I am looking at my new undertaking as more than just sugar abstinence. This is my renaissance. Like that moment in life when you realize you have always been dating the wrong men, so you start to give the right ones a chance. (Please, Lord, let me learn that same lesson sooner rather than later.) They are the ones who will really treat me well. Body, mind, and spirit. I shall embrace watermelon, honeydew, and cantelope like old friends. Apples and bananas are coming over for a party. Peaches, mangos, pineapple. New loves. Strawberries, blueberries, figs, kiwis. Perfect gentlemen. And I have a date with coconut tonight.
In short, I am determined. I will find happiness in the things that really are that much... sweeter.
And sugar loves me.
For the longest time, that has been everything that mattered. At the end of the day, when the world lets you down and people break your heart, sugar will always be there for you. Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, New York Super Fudge Chunk, and Cherry Garcia are all suitors for my heart. Oreos. Milkshakes. Cadbury Eggs. My secret lovers. Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. Dark chocolate-covered gummy bears. Peach O's. Junior Mints. So much more than one-night stands. Chocolate chip cookies, fudge brownies, lemon meringue and key lime pie. Some of my very dearest friends. Mmm. Utter satification.
But the fairytale that exists in my head where someday sugary delights become healthier for me than the finest head of lettuce will never come to, for lack of a better word, fruition.
Because sugar is... a... lie. A lovely, decorated lie. It does not provide comfort. It does not offer consolation. It only provides the illusion thereof. I have come to realize that my relationship with sugar has not been love, but lust. Dark, devious lust. And I am not the only one who has fallen into its trap. We are all drawn to it.
Meredith Small, writer of the article Why We Love the Sweet Life (http://www.livescience.com/), says that it isn't all our fault. "It's the fault of our primal heritage. Small tells us, "the human tongue can detect four basic flavors — salt, sour, bitter and sweet, but humans are naturally drawn to sweet because we are primates, animals that evolved eating fruit in the trees... They have been selected to prefer sweet, ripe fruit over unripe, bitter fruit because it has higher sugar content and supplies more ready energy. Ripe fruit also has more water, which can be hard to find high in the canopy."
Interesting. So evolution has provided me with an excuse. I cannot be blamed for my initial infatuation with sugar. Evidently that was a primal urge. So they say. But, I would argue, I can definitely be blamed for allowing it to become such a powerful force in the choices I make about my food. Late night freezer and pantry raids, ice cream for breakfast, cookies for lunch. Those were choices I made. And it's time for me to take control of my body, my temple. This body is on loan, and I want to take care of it.
You should know, every year, I observe Lent. I am not a Catholic, but I do uphold this tradition. For those of you who may not know, Lent begins every year on Ash Wednesday, and extends for the following forty days, ending Easter Sunday. There are many details and differing opinions about the subject, but the general idea is to sacrifice something that you will definitely miss during this time. Last year I chose TV. I love Jesus, and at this time of year, before Easter, we remember His resurrection, and we think of His sacrifice. I find that observing Lent is a great reminder to me, many times a day, of what it feels like to sacrifice. And that is a reminder we all need.
This year, I decided to give up sugar. Not natural sugars, like those found in fruits, but definitely everything I would have previously told you that I "loved" (see above). This is my journey, and though it will not be easy, I am excited about it. I am embracing the sweetness that is found in nature. Especially coconut, which is a magical thing, as it turns out.
Since I had such a toxic relationship with sugar before, this is about becoming healthy, in every which way. I am looking at my new undertaking as more than just sugar abstinence. This is my renaissance. Like that moment in life when you realize you have always been dating the wrong men, so you start to give the right ones a chance. (Please, Lord, let me learn that same lesson sooner rather than later.) They are the ones who will really treat me well. Body, mind, and spirit. I shall embrace watermelon, honeydew, and cantelope like old friends. Apples and bananas are coming over for a party. Peaches, mangos, pineapple. New loves. Strawberries, blueberries, figs, kiwis. Perfect gentlemen. And I have a date with coconut tonight.
In short, I am determined. I will find happiness in the things that really are that much... sweeter.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Girls Just Wanna Have Blogs
Let's face it. We do. And why wouldn't we want to have blogs? They are all about talking. And girls are ALL. ABOUT. TALKING.
This, yes, is a generalization. But herein is another beautiful thing about having a blog. I don't have to care that I am generalizing. It is my blog and it is all about my thoughts and my opinions. And in this case, my opinion is that girls like to talk. I am already proving my point.
Things that are predictable are often so because they are necessary. And with that, I shall forge ahead in a very predictable fashion by discussing the thing that had eluded me (and thus kept me from even starting my blog) for the the last few months: the title.
I, like most bloggers who exist in the world, would call myself a writer. Now, many writers don't fret too much about a title until the completion of their work. I am not one of them. I like to begin with a title, and form my words from that point. I like to think of a title as a place from which I can push-off; a proverbial "starting block" for my stream of consciousness. So when I knew I wanted to start writing a blog, I knew the title would be where I'd have to start.
But whatever could I choose? The possibilities seemed endless. I won't dare tell you some of the things I even considered-- they are shamefully cheesy. Okay, I'll tell you. "Coffee and Conversation." Not so bad, especially for the girl who has worked as a barista for a certain Fortune 500 company we all know, it made sense. And then there was "Conversation Hearts". I liked the idea of having "conversation" in there somehow, because I am always having conversations with myself. But I've decided to reserve this one for the title of a post, because otherwise it sounds like a blog about my love life, which at this point would take me as much time to describe as it does to finish a maze on the kids' menu at IHOP (to your credit, I am assuming you could do this quickly). So that was out. It had to be something more general, more all-encompassing. It had to convey that I wasn't going to restrict this blog to one area of my life, but that it would remain open to all of them. Readers would have to know that this blog was to be about everything. Everything AND the kitchen sink.
But you see, then I got to thinking about that expression. We use it to convey a surplus. Tom's family is going on a camping trip, Tom says, "My wife does not travel light- she packs everything but the kitchen sink!" Well, I thought, that's silly. If Tom's wife- let's call her Cindy, for the sake of this scenario- if Cindy is so adamant about packing everything, why wouldn't she bring the kitchen sink? Are you telling me she will pack away their hardwood floor and not touch the kitchen sink? Is she going to bring the second refrigerator before she brings the sink? Perposterous.
Of all the things that are important in the kitchen, the sink is at the top of my list. Now don't worry, this isn't just another blog about cooking, though it will undoubtedly be here. But I realized that as I go through my days, I must visit the kitchen sink and make use of it at least 14 times. So it is clearly a staple in my life. It is something big and important. I could not think of a better metaphor to use to say that in my blog, I will talk about those things that stand out to me, the highlights in my life. And of course, everything in between.
I guess I could've called it "Highlights of My Life", but that's lame.
This, yes, is a generalization. But herein is another beautiful thing about having a blog. I don't have to care that I am generalizing. It is my blog and it is all about my thoughts and my opinions. And in this case, my opinion is that girls like to talk. I am already proving my point.
Things that are predictable are often so because they are necessary. And with that, I shall forge ahead in a very predictable fashion by discussing the thing that had eluded me (and thus kept me from even starting my blog) for the the last few months: the title.
I, like most bloggers who exist in the world, would call myself a writer. Now, many writers don't fret too much about a title until the completion of their work. I am not one of them. I like to begin with a title, and form my words from that point. I like to think of a title as a place from which I can push-off; a proverbial "starting block" for my stream of consciousness. So when I knew I wanted to start writing a blog, I knew the title would be where I'd have to start.
But whatever could I choose? The possibilities seemed endless. I won't dare tell you some of the things I even considered-- they are shamefully cheesy. Okay, I'll tell you. "Coffee and Conversation." Not so bad, especially for the girl who has worked as a barista for a certain Fortune 500 company we all know, it made sense. And then there was "Conversation Hearts". I liked the idea of having "conversation" in there somehow, because I am always having conversations with myself. But I've decided to reserve this one for the title of a post, because otherwise it sounds like a blog about my love life, which at this point would take me as much time to describe as it does to finish a maze on the kids' menu at IHOP (to your credit, I am assuming you could do this quickly). So that was out. It had to be something more general, more all-encompassing. It had to convey that I wasn't going to restrict this blog to one area of my life, but that it would remain open to all of them. Readers would have to know that this blog was to be about everything. Everything AND the kitchen sink.
But you see, then I got to thinking about that expression. We use it to convey a surplus. Tom's family is going on a camping trip, Tom says, "My wife does not travel light- she packs everything but the kitchen sink!" Well, I thought, that's silly. If Tom's wife- let's call her Cindy, for the sake of this scenario- if Cindy is so adamant about packing everything, why wouldn't she bring the kitchen sink? Are you telling me she will pack away their hardwood floor and not touch the kitchen sink? Is she going to bring the second refrigerator before she brings the sink? Perposterous.
Of all the things that are important in the kitchen, the sink is at the top of my list. Now don't worry, this isn't just another blog about cooking, though it will undoubtedly be here. But I realized that as I go through my days, I must visit the kitchen sink and make use of it at least 14 times. So it is clearly a staple in my life. It is something big and important. I could not think of a better metaphor to use to say that in my blog, I will talk about those things that stand out to me, the highlights in my life. And of course, everything in between.
I guess I could've called it "Highlights of My Life", but that's lame.
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